Babies

Warming Up My Act

Lee Schneider (@docuguy) • Instagram photos and videos 2015-07-26 20-38-52

I have a big gig coming up this week. I am traveling back East to play six days in Rhode Island. It’s a pretty easy crowd, because they think I’m cute, but that doesn’t stop me from working hard on the routine. I like to play small rooms to warm up the set. I will try out jokes at school and on the playground. I’ll test some set ups on the cafe cashier selling me a gelato. If there’s a babysitter around or a friend of my parents visiting, I will run through a few lines. Of course, I work it pretty heavy on the plane out. It’s nearly five hours on the flight, so I can run through the set over and over. By the time the other passengers leave the plane they are crying from laughing so hard at my material, or at least they are crying from the experience of riding on a plane with me.

Here’s some of my best stuff. If you wouldn’t mind memorizing a few of these straight lines and set ups and feeding them to me when you see me, it would be a great help. For those of you keeping track, I go with a non-associative structure to the set. I don’t like to build stand-up set theorems like Jerry Seinfeld. This isn’t math. It’s comedy. It’s more a Henny Youngman or Jackie Mason kind of thing, spritzing as it used to be known in the trade.

What did the train say when it sneezed?

Chugga chugga ach-oo!

What did the cat say when it wanted to leave the room?

Get me meow-outta here.  

What did the dog say about the convertible?

There’s no WOOF! 

What did the mommy cow say to the dawdling baby cow?

Let’s get a mooove on.

What did the polite baby cow say to his mommy cow?

Excuse me, moo.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Boo.

Boo who?

Don’t cry, it’s only a knock knock joke.

What did the duck say after it heard all these jokes?

You really quack me up!

Thank you. You’ve been a great audience.

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