The Terrible Twos


People call what I am about to enter The Terrible Twos. I don’t see what’s so terrible about them. There are the Discovery of the Self Twos, the Argumentative Twos, and the Negotiate Your Diapered Ass Off Twos. There are no twos that are terrible, not for me. I’m having a good time riding wooden motorcycles and such. How about you?

For those who haven’t been following along in this blog, I am indeed about to turn two. That, if you are curious, is the number that comes after one. If you are not curious, and have not been following this blog, I would like to pull over this large potted plant, okay? And play with my Dad’s iPad, okay? And throw things in the early morning onto the hardwood floor. Okay? Okay? Oh, I can’t do that? You mean, you’re on to me already? Can I have what you’re eating, then?


The other day I was leading my mommy on a high-speed chase through a farmer’s market. I’d decided to recreate a chase sequence from ‘The Bourne Identity,’ with me playing Matt Damon, jumping up and down stairs, weaving this way and that, doubling back, riding a horse, smashing through glass windows. I think I forgot to tell my momma we were shooting the scene – but it sure did make her reactions genuine. I saw real horror on her face as I glanced back, flashing her a coy Matt Damon smile, and skipped between two heavily-tattooed hipsters who almost, but not quite, spilled their overpriced pourover coffees on me.

At this stage of the game I’ve learned that my tools can be way more sophisticated than sleep deprivation if I want to control my parents.  I think I mentioned in an earlier blog that I am using hypnosis now,  repeating want that, want that, want that, until they give in. It always works, except when they walk away muttering and it doesn’t work.  I am always testing, always testing the limits. This is the essence of being a child. You must innovate.

Example: After breakfast and lunch (but not dinner) I am permitted to have a cut-up fig or a cut-up apricot as dessert. (They haven’t heard of ice cream around here? Sheesh.) My parents always ask me, ‘Would you like a fig or an apricot?’ I respond, ‘want that fig, want that apricot, want that fig, want that apricot,’ which someday will confuse them into giving me both. Hasn’t worked yet, so this is what I do. I choose, say, the fig. They give me a fig. Then I cry for an apricot. Get it? Mind control! I can see the helpless confusion blooming in their eyes. It is only a matter of time till I say Want that pony! and they deliver a pony.

To show the power of this, you try it. Turn to the person next to you. Ask for an apricot. Get one. Then cry like hell for a fig. It’s an interesting experiment in human behavior and sometimes, fascinatingly, people’s heads explode. That’s really neat.

From time to time I have some provided some helpful tips for being a baby. Here are a few more, now that I am officially a toddler. They reflect a more mature, worldly perspective.

Tantrums are great for getting what you want, but not more than ten a day, otherwise people won’t take you seriously.

Battling about food is a good rehearsal for battling about potty training, which is coming next. (I am clairvoyant.)

When separated from your mommy, scream like crazy. Then, one minute after she’s gone, get over it like it never happened. All adult brains nearby will be scrambled, and you will get what you want. This will work on all adults, except Hungarians. My teacher is Hungarian, and it never works on her, probably because people from Eastern Europe have been around for centuries and don’t take any crap from little kids. Oh well.

Here are my career choices.

Singer. I can carry a tune, which is remarkable for a toddler. Ask me to sing Happy Birthday. I will blow your mind.

High Speed Chase Coordinator. I have experience.

All Terrain Tractor Driver. I have no experience, but this looks promising.

Thanks for reading, everybody! See you next time. I have birthday cake to eat, and presents to open, and there is trouble to be made in the early morning hours.

Quick program note:  My classes on negotiation will be forming soon. Do you want what you what, when you want it? The secret to successful negotiation is repeating yourself until your parents give in. And crying. Lots of crying. That’s just a taste of what I will offer in my online negotiation classes.  Coming soon! Unless my mommy says it’s bedtime.