I would like to share with you some of the new sounds I can make. They work best at three in the morning when the world is still. Then, as I lay awake in my crib, watching the moonlight caress my baby blanket, I draw in breath, puff up enormously, and split the silence with the terrible vehemence of my power. At the risk of shocking you, let me start with some of my more exotic impressions.
I can make the sound of a baby dinosaur being run over by a truck. I can give you a pod of dolphins screaming the words to West Side Story, with finger snaps.
It’s amazing that I can make these sounds come out of my mouth. But I can!
It works well at breakfast, too. Come by sometime and you can hear me shriek as I stuff pieces of banana into my mouth. Sometimes they do fall out when I do my impression of a bat screeching as it is being smashed to bits in a large grinding machine, or my dead-intrepretation of a thousand cats fighting in the dark. That one is remarkably accurate, even when muffled by a little banana. The other morning my father came out of the bedroom half asleep and said, ‘Was that the sound of a thousand cats fighting in the dark I just heard?’ ‘No,’ I said. ‘It was me!’ But he was not impressed.
I am going to be live-Tweeting my breakfast soon, and this is pretty hard to do when you eat banana with your hands. Do not hand me your phone to do it, even if I ask.