Sometimes I like to scare my mommy. My best way to do this is to eat a leaf from the ground. The second best way is to eat a leaf that gets caught between the screen and the sliding door off our little porch. You may think that this is not a really effective way of scaring anybody, but I don’t have a skateboard yet, so therefore no way of flying off it and breaking something. I have to work with leaves for now.
I wait till they take their eyes off me for a split second, whether at the park or in our home. Then I pick a leaf with some sharp stick things on it, pop it in my mouth, and start choking a little. Not too much, because I need to build the performance. But just enough to get everyone crazy. I’ve realized that this is a real bonding experience for us!
Mom and dad start slapping me on the back and attempting to remember the Heimlich maneuver, and I try tell them that it is all not necessary. I’m just eating a little leaf for the effect and to bring us closer together as a family. By the time they realize that and know that I’m okay they are all rattled, but it still works okay, because we are all a lot closer. They have had to drop whatever they were doing that didn’t involve me, and also had to ignore the cat, my main competitor for attention, and focus completely on this powerful bonding experience charged with fear. Nice!
When I am done scaring my mommy for the day I often consider trying to scare my daddy. But he is not easy to scare. When I try the leaf trick, dad mutters something like, ‘If you want to eat leaves, I suggest accompanying them with a light vinaigrette. They are very dry otherwise.’
Spoiler alert: For those of you who are sensitive, stop reading here. I don’t want to shock you.
I am highly intelligent and not crude at all, but sometimes things just come together and it involves fluids. I have thought really hard about this and I have created an alternative way to bond with my dad.
When we are walking along and he is carrying me in the Bjorn, if I can get the angle just right I let go and it will soak through my diaper, through my pants, and onto his shirt. I know that he enjoys the warm feeling of closeness because he says funny words under his breath. And I know other people enjoy the closeness, too, because when they see the spreading stain on his shirt they point at us and start laughing.
It’s fun to be so close as a family. I think I would like to try eating dirt next.