Last weekend, my dad and I had a bachelor’s day because my mom was at a conference taking down the patriarchy.
Well, that’s what my dad told me she was doing. He told me I better start getting in touch with both my masculine and feminine side, because women were going to be running things pretty soon and I will want to be able to communicate with somebody. ‘If there was a Rapture or something and all the Earthly women ascended to a state of cosmic perfection, all the guys would be walking around on the planet asking each other, Well, what do you want to do? I don’t know. What do you want to do? You want to get a beer? It would be pathetic,’ my dad said.
When he talks like that it makes me want to defend men. ‘The Rapture won’t be that bad,’ I said.
‘Yes, it will be worse. Think of the most interesting people you know and most of them will be women.’
This sent me off into a reverie about my mommy. Of course, she’s the most interesting person I know, because she always appears to me in the middle of the night, backlit by a saintly glow (actually, she’s just turned on the light so she doesn’t fall over something). Anybody who provides comfort like that has my vote.
‘Today,’ my dad continued, snapping me out of the mommy fantasy, ‘while your mom is out, we are going to do some masculine stuff because it may be our last chance.’
I suggested a game of catch, but since I can’t stand, this would be awkward. After some discussion we decided to recreate all the great stunts from the Bond movies. Do you recognize this one from The Man with the Golden Gun? There was a similar stunt in GoldenEye, but it involves knives and I’m not allow to play with those.
Do not be concerned about the concerned look on my face. That’s acting. You have to sell the stunt. For example, I am mastering a stunt called the 360. I start on my back, roll over on my belly, and then – this is the hard part – return to my back. When I do it I’m usually grunting and screaming because you have to make these things look hard. I’ve seen adults do the 360 in bed like it was nothing, totally silently. That does not sell the stunt. It’s a total mistake. If you are rolling around, you have to be screaming while you are doing it. That’s my acting advice for the day.
I’m headed out to New York next week for this holiday they call Thanksgiving. I’ll let you know how it goes, including my impressions of what my parents are calling my first plane ride. Whatever that is.