I’m just a baby, but for some reason people are looking to me for transcendence, life lessons and even enlightenment. They think I look wise and knowing, but it’s really just gas. When my hands accidentally adopt a mudra (look it up) people are inspired. Since I am young and don’t know better, I am willing to help anyone achieve transcendence. Let me tell you what I know and perhaps it will lead you to enlightenment, as so many of you wish to believe.
Let’s start with my to do list:
- learn to speak
- learn to give a keynote address
- learn bladder control
Perhaps not in that order.
People look into my eyes, which are sometimes crossed, and see truth. Why idealize me or any other baby? I believe people idealize babies because it is easier than idealizing someone like Mitt Romney. (Note to self: Almost any joke works if the punchline is Mitt Romney. Will no longer be a joke if elected.)
Wait, I need to interrupt myself a sec to say there is panic all over the world when my tummy is HUNGRY. Somebody get a breast or bottle over here! Sorry, I’m calming down, calming down, calming down. I am thinking about the milk, thinking about the milk, thinking about the milk. The people who take care of me call this the practice of self-soothing. I am here to tell you that self-soothing is a big fat load of crap. Does my language offend you? Well, sometimes my dad curses under his breath when he is changing me at four in the morning and I like to practice my new words.
Anyway, back to my point. Here are the top 10 ways from my own daily practice that will put you on the road to enlightenment.
1. Look to the light. Any light will do. I usually use a 75 watt bulb, staring at it until my eyes water a little. If you are new to this, you may want to start with a 40 watt and work your way up. Only use a 100 watt if you are Deepak Chopra.
2. Have somebody wrap you tightly in a muslin cloth and then pee your pants. I believe the reasons why this will lead to enlightenment are self-explanatory.
3. Every once in a while, wake up in your bed and throw up on yourself.
4. Completely drop your inhibitions about loudly passing gas.
5. Lay down on your back and rapidly flail your arms and legs for no less than 45 minutes.
6. Suck a woman’s breast. But not just any woman. You have to really like her.
7. Try forcing your big head through a small opening. Last time I tried that I really had a transcendent experience.
I know I promised a top ten, but I am a baby and can only count to seven. Just about about a month ago, I entered your world in a shower of blood, with a soul-shaking cry. That first intake of cold, charged terrestrial air is a pure blast of life force, man, and that sort of energy surge probably won’t happen to me again until I have sex in the back seat of a car.
Being around that much life force made a big impression on me, and it makes sense that you sense that force. Thing is, we babies are just mirrors to your own experience. You see the truth in yourself when you look at us. If you want peace, we will give it to you. If you want crap, we have plenty of that. In the meantime, may I invite you to buy my new ebook, How to Get What You Want By Screaming Your Silly Head Off?